Vague, Obscure, Whatever

Lately, I feel so empty. No dream. Hazy.

I found myself lying down a prairie. Runaway from a tiring daily routine. Waking up on 5 a clock and I remind the sun that the morning comes early for me as usual. Ah, I'm just smashed down by boring days and realities. That's all. I'm young but there are many things that I have to know earlier than anyone in my age, take a good care of everything in my family. This is how it feels to be a backbone. I've tried  it all when I was in college. Now I'm facing the real one.

My father's condition is quite unwell lately, but thank god his new doctor reduce the dosage of his medicine and he's recovering now. The previous doctor gave excessive medication. When you have very (literally) old parents, you've got to be ready that they will leave you step by step. They won't speak clearly again, they are addicted to doctor's prescriptions (they're all expensive, pfftt..), they move very slowly, they won't remember where the last time they put their glasses, their hands are shaking when  hungry, memory loss, etc. All I heard in my young years are old people dying in doctor's waiting room because they told me stories about aging associated diseases such  diabetes, cardiovascular disease, hypertension...That's never been easy to me, people you love the most are fighting against disease and still.. financial problem.

Recently I met new wonderful people from my new office. They told me stories about how they fought from the dark for the sake of "Hold on, we won't be starve to death tomorrow". They told me that young years are meant to be a battlefield to be what we want. Some of them told me to enjoy my youth, or it'll pass quickly as a snap. My biggest fear is getting old to soon. Weird. Since everyone's heading to the time where the sky will be no longer blue and clear.

The responsibilities changed my point of view about life and the future. It's greater than before, but I know, I just want to be a good kid to my parents. They sacrifice everything for me, and I have to do the same. What am I without them. Every day on our way to work, My superior and I, we often laugh in the car about how hard life is. That's just our way to express funny and stupid things behind the sadness. Because one day, we still laugh it off, the struggle we won't forget. All we need is patience. But I know one thing, God is always kind and generous to us. Then, how long can we run? Because we've got to run. I'm 22 and I don't want to waste my young years.

Meanwhile, I have something for you. Yes, my kind of special 'you' out there, tell me that we're running horizontally right now, to find each other. This is my favorite song for you:

Tashaki Miyaki - Cool Runnings

Peta Dunia di Dinding Kamarku

Hari ini kau terlihat kedinginan. Beruntung aku tak melekatkanmu pada sisi dinding yang biasanya bocor. Beberapa bulan yang lalu kau kurobek dari kawananmu. Hanya karena kau meniru rupa kulit bumi dari ketinggian Tuhan barangkali. Aku belum pernah menodaimu. Jika kupanjangkan garis lintangmu satu persatu, dinding kamarku jadi kotor. Lagipula buat apa aku melakukan itu. Aku hanya tak tau harus mengatakan apa padamu. Permukaanmu yang bergelombang meniru laut di tubuhmu.

Jika hari itu tiba. Aku memulai perjalanan dari garis sisi timur. Garis itu yang membelahmu jadi dua. Dari sana aku ingin ke barat laut. Jika langit akan mementaskan cahaya utara, aku akan duduk manis tanpa berkata-kata. Maka aku menekan ujung jariku di atas tubuh kertasmu ke barat laut.

Lalu kumundurkan lagi langkah jariku ke selatan. Tadi aku telah khilaf, lupa akan kewajiban mengantar orang tuaku ke tempat ini. Kurebahkan jariku di tenggara Laut Tengah. Sejenak kupejamkan mataku. Kubayangkan air muka ayah dan ibuku. Kuharap kerutan di wajah mereka masih tetap sama saat kami tiba disana.

Dari sana aku kembali ke barat laut lagi. Kubayangkan sebuah gedung tinggi memayungi keningku. Entah untuk melindungku dari apa, karena matahari sedang tak menempel di langit. Kupejamkan lagi mataku yang sudah terpejam. Rambutku tersibak oleh langkah orang-orang yang berbicara dengan suara udara di tenggorokannya. Kubuka perlahan mataku di dalam imajinasi itu. Ada hamparan kecil bunga warna-warni. Bunga yang sudah lama ingin kusentuh.

Ujung telunjukku tiba-tiba terseret ke barat daya. Bau menyengat tersedot ke dalam hidungku seketika. Aku suka bau rumput kering. Mataku masih terpejam namun kakiku tak menginjak tanah. Aku terus menggerakkannya namun tak ada apa-apa dibawah telapak kakiku. Kuraih apapun yang ada di depanku. Kulingkarkan lenganku pada benda itu. Nampaknya ia berdenyut lamat-lamat. Kubuka mataku dalam imajinasi itu. Aku sedang menunggang hewan yang tinggi dengan bercak coklat di kulitnya. Aku naik jerapah! Dedaunan akasia tiba-tiba ikut menggerayangi wajahku. Padang coklat keemasan yang luas sedang mengawasiku dengan lembut.

Kuhela nafasku sejenak, aku rindu rusa-rusa di rumahku. Telunjukku terduduk sebentar. Ia mengembangkan layar sebentar sambil mengikuti arus Samudra Atlantik. Ia terdampar di bawah bayang dedaunan. Mereka mengusik mataku yang terpejam. Kubuka mataku perlahan. Kulihat sekeliling. Aku berada di rumah. Sebelum kembali ke barat laut, kusandarkan telunjukku sejenak. Kemudian ia mulai berkeliling pekarangan rumah, Indonesia.

Untuk peta dunia di kamarku. Aku akan kembali ke barat laut sambil membawamu. Hanya saja kali ini aku akan membawa peta lain. Peta rumahku sendiri.